It’s Thankstivus! The Better Alternative to Thanksgiving

I’m declaring a brand-new holiday from this year forward: THANKSTIVUS!

It will be observed on the traditional Thanksgiving day. The holiday does not require decoration, but should you choose to, the thematic colors are blue and black, to symbolize the bruising of our souls by Thanksgivings of years past.

Thankstivus Traditions

The celebration of Thankstivus should be observed as follows: First, all parties must sleep in until a very late hour, for family is exhausting. Then all participants gather at one home in the mid to late afternoon. Children should be immediately evacuated to an insulated room elsewhere in the house with nourishment and entertainment to last hours.

Wine and Cheese Reception

The holiday commences with a pregame wine and cheese reception, that will last exactly 15 minutes, during which no one may speak. This is a time of reflection, relaxation, intimidation of other parties, and–above all else–drinking.

The Airing of the Grievances

Borrowing from the magical holiday of Festivus, it is more appropriate than ever at the beginning of the holiday season to air the grievances. Once the wine and cheese reception is complete, the most eager and loudest person may begin telling everybody how they have disappointed them in the past year. Physical contact (especially hugging) is prohibited, and crying will not stop the proceedings (nice try, Mom). Heavy drinking is permitted, and encouraged.

This will last until everyone has aired their grievances, or one hour maximum, hence why it is important to make your grievances heard loudly and first above all other voices.

The Feast

The grievances are to be set aside, as if purged and cleansed, and everyone is to dine. Each person will bring their own food of choice, since not everyone likes turkey or conforming. Hot dogs, chicken wings, lasagna. There is no wrong meal at Thankstivus. This is a time to feed the stomach and the soul in preparation for the holiday season ahead. You will need your fortitude for gift shopping, light hanging, tree tinseling, and cookie baking. Now is the time for nourishment. And more alcohol.

Nap Intermission

All parties are at liberty to nap on any couches, beds, or armchairs available with no malice toward the sleeping. This nap is to last at most one hour, so as not to skunk the entire damn holiday. Parties not interested in napping may watch mindless television and movies, but no one shall clean or perform other chores. This is a time of mindful rest and meditation.

The Feats of Brilliance

The final ritual of the holiday is the Feats of Brilliance. All members are required to participate, with no exceptions or excuses. The group shall sit down and compete in a tabletop board game, or several, as deemed necessary to declare a Thankstivus Champion. The prize for the Thankstivus Champion is unlimited rights to leftovers from any participant, taking none that she or he does not want, free of guilt or obligation. The Champion may not participate in the cleaning of the dishes or other insipid post-holiday chores (moving tables and chairs, finding Tupperware lids, taking out garbage, etc.). Further, the Thankstivus Champion may drink from any other person’s cup for the rest of the night, as all alcohol becomes spoils of the Champion. The Champion shall reign superior until a new Thankstivus Champion is declared one year later.

I think we will all find that this will be a holiday of cleansing, preparation, and arming ourselves for the jollity ahead. I say to you that autumn is not a time of thanks, but a time to be royally pissed off at the cold and darkness, and the pressure of the oncoming holidays and bleak winter. Rue on, good November people. And Jolly Thankstivus to you and yours.


2 thoughts on “It’s Thankstivus! The Better Alternative to Thanksgiving

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  1. It’s difficult to determine how serious the level of scorching grievance towards thanksgiving actually is here. I’m no more than a one time visitor to this page, having stumbled on it because of the bearded dork ameritrade dude, so where all this nonsense is headed eludes me. The Indian junk seems to be serious, and I know that to those who have been drenched in the butchering of native americans — as they are so softly known (rather than scalping savages, as many of them were), maybe celebrating genuine American holidays just doesn’t seem right. The Indians weren’t the pastoral, romantic figures present day PC drunk americans love to portray. They hounded and scalped and murdered each other, and they owned no land. So no one stole their land. They were nomads, old school hunters and gatherers, who did nothing forward their progress. Then along came western civilization. That changed everything, and perhaps not in the nicest of ways at times — but that was then, and this is now: so harsh judgement should be withheld, unless you actually lived then, and no exactly how you would have behaved 2 or 3 centuries ago. I mean the same with slavery. One can see by the behavior of today’s ‘native’ americans, who have opted to live in their peaceful, nonproductive, territories, that are owned by the government, just how far they like to move ahead. 80% of them are unemployed, and spend their days wasting away. Is this a choice? I guess so. Noone chains them there. Such is the passion for the native ways. I also think TG is a great time. I actually prefer it to Xmas. Not so much the gunky stuff of late autumn in Upstate NY. Xmas snowiness is much prettier. Of course, I guess it would be much nicer for all those butchered animals, reared specifically for men’s appetites,. if we all just stuck to plants. But that’s another topic entirely.


  2. This was quite the venting. Good for you! Listen, I have a long, long American heritage (not to mention from several other dots on the planet), and one of those forbearers of mine was known for killing the natives. He died of old age with six bullets in him, and countless arrow puncture wounds. He made it his life’s mission to slaughter natives after one scalped his eldest son.

    I can simultaneously feel sinking sympathy for the natives, and also a grander historical perspective that acknowledges that they were legitimately a people conquered.

    However, I fear you have missed the point of Thankstivus!

    This is not a holiday about airing historical grievances. Instead, I encourage you to gather and air your more contemporary grievances, then feast and nap and so on.

    In any event, may the cold weather months allow you to recognize your own awesomeness.


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