Chardee MacDennis Rules: A Playable Version of the Game

Brought to you by It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia…and Boss Hog.

UPDATE, May, 2020: In honor of the glorious quarantine, I have uploaded new and improved versions of the rules and cards. Enjoy!

If you’re reading this, you probably are familiar with the notorious cure for boredom that was conceived by the assholes from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

That’s right, it’s Chardee MacDennis: The Game of Games!

And I have (very painfully) put together a set of rules and cards for a version that is actually playable. Yes, that’s right, playable! Obviously the original Sunny version of Chardee MacDennis would certainly result in serious injury, loss of job, jail time, and probably death. So when I first decided that I needed to play Chardee MacDennis at least once in my life (and make a very unique Christmas gift for my husband), I went a-hunting around the interwebs to see what fans had already concocted. To my horror, I found that pretty much every homegrown variant I saw online was oddly focused around men having to do things to each others’ butts and testicles …unpleasant things. And a lot of farting on command. I don’t do frat boy. 

So I developed a version of Chardee MacDennis that stayed as true to the original game as possible, but in our actual reality. The Gang’s original game had a lot of detailed and crazy-as-hell rules, and I’ve done my best to mimic them almost exactly. My husband and I have play-tested this once and it worked beautifully. We escaped mostly unscathed, but daaayum. What a mess. We really trashed the house, and the place smelled like stale beer for a week, despite my best cleaning efforts.

Forthwith, I present to you a playable version of Chardee MacDennis. But first! Read this very important disclaimer.

Danger Warning
This is an alcoholic drinking game. This is a dangerous game and should never be played by anyone for any reason. The drinking demands and various stunts are all potentially very dangerous, and other elements of the game are destructive, insulting, and degrading. HauntedCoconut.com takes no responsibility for harm to person or property.
Consuming excessive amounts of alcohol leads to impaired judgement and can lead to death. Always drink responsibly, never drive after drinking, and do not play this game. Look out for your family and friends and cease the game immediately if anyone is in distress or does not want to play.  Seek medical attention immediately as needed for you and your cohorts. If you do play Chardee MacDennis, someone could very easily get hurt and things will be broken. People will cry. Reputations will be ruined. Just don’t play this game. If you do, you accept responsibility for all harm, consequences, damages, and injury–physical, mental, and social. Don’t play this game.

Did you read the whole thing? Good. You should. Now that we’ve established you should never play this game, here is how one might hypothetically go about doing so.

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Let’s Get Crafty: Making Your Game Set, Bitches

It’s time to make your very own Chardee MacDennis set. I store all of the crap below in an oversized shoebox with a picture of Danny DeVito on the lid. Oh, and I would like to note that I just opened my game box for the first time in about a year, and it has a strong beerish-fruity smell. Can’t imagine why. Huh. Anyway, you’ll need to following components to make your Chardee MacDennis set:

  1. The Rules: Print them out from the download link below. (You probably should laminate them.)
  2. The Game Cards: Print and neatly trim them into individual cards. NOTE! There are 3 sets of cards included in the printout: Level 1-MIND, Level 2-BODY, and Level 3-SPIRIT. Print each of these cards on a different color of paper (or otherwise demarcate the difference between the 3 sets). Sort and shuffle them ahead of the game. If you let people read them ahead of time, they won’t be nearly as surprised later on.
  3. The Game Board: The game board is meant to be rudimentary, but sturdy. This is what it should look like. I made mine out of scrap wood, and used markers and paint.
    Chardee MacDennis Board-HauntedCoconutcom.jpeg
  4. Game Pieces For Each Team: Each team should have a totem to represent themselves on the game board. This should be roughly the size of an action figure, Barbie, or troll doll. WARNING: These pieces are susceptible to irreversible damage and destruction. Each team can have fun deciding which game piece will work best.
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    The ASIP player pieces…
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…and our player pieces. I am Catwoman, of course. Catwoman has been subjected to the flames of dishonor.

5. Flag For Each Team: Each team should decide on a team name and create a flag to represent that team and assist in their demonstrations of physical prowess and intimidation. Each team may choose their materials and medium.

Chardee MacDennis Flags-HauntedCoconutcom
My flag on the left and my husbands on the right. Someone clearly put a lot more thought into her team flag than her husband. Also, notice the char marks on the corner of mine. I lost. He set it on fire.

6. The Puzzle Bag: You should take a very large t-shirt that you don’t mind destroying, and cut it into roughly 6 to 8 pieces, as if it were a jigsaw puzzle that could be put back together. Place the pieces in a bag for future use.

7. Bag of Dialects and Voices: Cut up a number of strips of paper to approximately equal sizes and write on each one a dialect or voice that may be imitated upon command during the game. Creativity is highly encouraged. Fold up each slip of paper once and keep them all in a bag for blind drawing later on. Examples from my set:
– French accent
– Christopher Walken
– Dramatic Movie Trailer Guy
– Pirate
– Cookie Monster
– Scottish accent
– Forrest Gump
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8. The Black Card: This is TOP SECRET. This is the tiebreaker card that is hidden from all and sealed, only to be opened under the rare circumstance that there is a tie. As the game maker, you will have to create this and write the following (forget it immediately afterward: [Highlight to Read Top Secret Contents of Black Card]
In the event of a tie, a winner must be chosen.
THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE.
Flip a coin.

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9. Some Other Crap: I also keep a blindfold and 6-sided die in the gamebox.

Props to Have On-Hand

Now you have your base set. But before you’ll be ready to play, there are some other props you’ll need to gather. If you are missing any items, certain cards may not be playable and should be removed from the deck. (Try not to do this too often).

  • A Timer
  • Deck of playing cards, standard
  • A music player with wide access to a lot of songs
  • Headphones
  • A dozen eggs, roughly (more eggs are better)
  • Roll of duct tape
  • Set of Scrabble tiles
  • Sand or dry rice in a bucket (messy!)
  • Pillows
  • Shampoo
  • Flour
  • Markers (they may be applied to skin in awful ways, so choose carefully)
  • Crayons
  • Paper
  • Grapes, marshmallows, jelly beans, or carrot coins (to be gobbled up, in a game that is a MAJOR CHOKING HAZARD. Be careful.)
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  • Marbles, or similarly sized spheres
  • Pencil and pens
  • Cinnamon
  • Quarters
  • Blankets
  • Color dot stickers (or sheets of other stickers)

You may also want a tarp. These games get messy, yo.

Booze

Even though drinking games are a terrible idea, the game calls for the following: Wine, beer, AND hard alcohol. There should be enough of all three for all players. (See the rules if you’re worried about a picky-persnickety person.)

There it is. You now have all the tools you need to play the Game of Games. Good luck, and please accept this illusion of respect I send to you now. Now get to it, godammit!

Download the New & Improved Chardee MacDennis Rules here.

Download the New & Improved Chardee MacDennis Cards here.

(PS – Remember, you may not call “bullshit” on any questions or answers. The cards are what they are. If you wanted better, maybe you should’ve created an entire Chardee MacDennis set from scratch.)

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It’s Thankstivus! The Much Better Alternative to Thanksgiving

I’m declaring a brand-new holiday from this year forward: THANKSTIVUS!

It will be observed on the traditional Thanksgiving day. The holiday does not require decoration, but should you choose to, the thematic colors are blue and black, to symbolize the bruising of our souls by Thanksgivings of years past.

Thankstivus Traditions

The celebration of Thankstivus should be observed as follows: First, all parties must sleep in until a very late hour, for family is exhausting. Then all participants gather at one home in the mid to late afternoon. Children should be immediately evacuated to an insulated room elsewhere in the house with nourishment and entertainment to last hours.

Wine and Cheese Reception

The holiday commences with a pregame wine and cheese reception, that will last exactly 15 minutes, during which no one may speak. This is a time of reflection, relaxation, intimidation of other parties, and–above all else–drinking.

The Airing of the Grievances

Borrowing from the magical holiday of Festivus, it is more appropriate than ever at the beginning of the holiday season to air the grievances. Once the wine and cheese reception is complete, the most eager and loudest person may begin telling everybody how they have disappointed them in the past year. Physical contact (especially hugging) is prohibited, and crying will not stop the proceedings (nice try, Mom). Heavy drinking is permitted, and encouraged.

This will last until everyone has aired their grievances, or one hour maximum, hence why it is important to make your grievances heard loudly and first above all other voices.

The Feast

The grievances are to be set aside, as if purged and cleansed, and everyone is to dine. Each person will bring their own food of choice, since not everyone likes turkey or conforming. Hot dogs, chicken wings, lasagna. There is no wrong meal at Thankstivus. This is a time to feed the stomach and the soul in preparation for the holiday season ahead. You will need your fortitude for gift shopping, light hanging, tree tinseling, and cookie baking. Now is the time for nourishment. And more alcohol.

Nap Intermission

All parties are at liberty to nap on any couches, beds, or armchairs available with no malice toward the sleeping. This nap is to last at most one hour, so as not to skunk the entire damn holiday. Parties not interested in napping may watch mindless television and movies, but no one shall clean or perform other chores. This is a time of mindful rest and meditation.

The Feats of Brilliance

The final ritual of the holiday is the Feats of Brilliance. All members are required to participate, with no exceptions or excuses. The group shall sit down and compete in a tabletop board game, or several, as deemed necessary to declare a Thankstivus Champion. The prize for the Thankstivus Champion is unlimited rights to leftovers from any participant, taking none that she or he does not want, free of guilt or obligation. The Champion may not participate in the cleaning of the dishes or other insipid post-holiday chores (moving tables and chairs, finding Tupperware lids, taking out garbage, etc.). Further, the Thankstivus Champion may drink from any other person’s cup for the rest of the night, as all alcohol becomes spoils of the Champion. The Champion shall reign superior until a new Thankstivus Champion is declared one year later.

I think we will all find that this will be a holiday of cleansing, preparation, and arming ourselves for the jollity ahead. I say to you that autumn is not a time of thanks, but a time to be royally pissed off at the cold and darkness, and the pressure of the oncoming holidays and bleak winter. Rue on, good November people. And Jolly Thankstivus to you and yours.

Hugo Recipe: The Effing Drink of the Summer

Because I’m a fancy pants,  I can say that I drained my bank account dry to fly across the ocean and sit at various cafes around Luxembourg, Belgium, and Germany not long ago. Food and drink were gorgeously abundant, but none were so surprising as the popular drink, the Hugo. If you’re pretending to be European, then go on and pronounce it “Oogo”. These were served (and overcharged for) at every restaurant we stopped at, and we found that Trier, Germany even had Hugo stands right in the middle of the marketplace. For this, I applaud the people of Europe. We need more cocktail stands around here.

Anyway, it is a delicious and bubbly light summer drink, best served out of a wine glass and with a straw and some ice. It’s true. I know it sounds crass, but that is truly how it’s served. Not too sweet, and not at all bitter. This is what you drink on a gorgeous summer afternoon or evening while soaking up the fresh air.

Here is the recipe for a single cocktail:

Ice Cubes
2-3 Fresh Mint Leaves
1 part Elderflower Syrup/Extract
3 parts Brut Sparkling Wine (a Luxembourg vintage is preferred, but an Italian Prosecco will also serve)
1 Lime Wedge

Instructions:
Combine in a wine glass. Boom. I mean, you may want to squeeze the lime and muddle the mint leaves a bit, but no need to get too precious.

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The Wars of the Roses in Pictures

A Totally Trust, Completely Authentic Retelling of History
(to be Enjoyed With a Butt of Malmsey Wine)

For nearly one hundred years in England’s history, a knot of noble families fought over the royal throne in a giant, messy multi-generational screw-you fest that history has dubbed “The Wars of the Roses”.

This title is a misnomer, of course. The murder, deception, and power mongering went far beyond any battlefield. So not simply a war.

And furthermore, though history tries to explain this era as being a battle between two families–each represented by a rose–that ignores a lot of historical context, and a whole lot of players from other families and other countries. So not really strictly about roses either.

Maybe they should have called it The Great English Stink instead. Eh, guess no poets were on hand to think of it. Shakespeare really dropped the ball on this one, eh?

wars-roses-smell-it
“You will smell the white rose! Smell it! Smellllll it!”

Anyway, it’s a rotten, stinkin’ historical mess that took forever to play out and is really damn confusing. So to understand this giant historical knot, you really need a proper illustrated guide. Right? And it ought to be irreverently blunt. Right? Yes, yes. Good, good. I think so, too.

Continue reading “The Wars of the Roses in Pictures”