The “Where is Melania?” Mystery

It was 24 days that we went without seeing Lady Mel, but on June 5, she reemerged from her hidey hole. No full explanation has been given for the inconsistencies from her office and schedules, but it’s probably safe to assume that she had medical issues to overcome. She may have been sicker than we ever thought, or was working to overcome some kind of addiction. Odds are, we will never know the true details. And I suppose that’s fine. The important thing is that she appears to be okay. Still…something really fishy was going on. The whole thing still stinks.

Where is Melania Trump?

Melania Trump is missing. She has not been seen for 20+ days, during which time the White House has been cagey and misdirecting regarding her whereabouts. We have not seen her–not from a window, not from a balcony. We have not heard her voice. We have not read a Tweet typed by, or even dictated by our FLOTUS. And it all stems from a surprising and mysterious hospital procedure, followed by fake tweets, absences from major events and family trips, and a rattling silence from her office.

Listen, FLOTUS and I are from two completely different planets, and I have no clue how she has rationalized some of her life choices. But, she is our First Lady. This is an odd post, in that I hope it will become irrelevant and silly in a matter of just a few hours or days. But for now, it is exceptionally intriguing, and potentially very sad.

All we want to know is, where are you Lady Mel? Come home to us! Donald hasn’t had his tiny paws slapped away in weeks! I forgot how to BE BEST!

Here is a Melanie’s Melania’s timeline:

May 10: The last time Melania was seen in public. She and the President are photographed at Joint Base Andrews in Maryland welcoming home the North Korean hostages. In the middle of the night.

May 14: Melania is secretly admitted to Walter Reed Hospital to undergo a “procedure” to treat a “benign kidney condition”. Though such procedures are done typically on an out-patient basis, FLOTUS’s office predicts that she will be kept in the hospital for 4-5 days, causing concern about what additional issues or procedures may be at play.

Her Communications Director and President Trump both note that the procedure was a success and that she is doing well.

May 19: Melania’s office reports that she is returning “home” (presumably the White House) from the hospital. It’s been over a week since we’ve seen her.

May 16-28: Her office continues to tweet on her behalf, on topics including thanks to the doctors at Walter Reed, a brief note about the Santa Fe shooting, and two Memorial Day messages that coincide with the President’s office’s agenda and message.

May 25: Outside of the White House, a reporter asks Pres. Trump how Melania is doing. He replies that she is doing “great” and then points to a window of the White House and says, “Right there. She’s doing great. Just looking at us, right there.” The window appears empty, presumably because the cardboard cutout or pillowcase dummy he set up fell down after a strong breeze.

May 28: Memorial Day. She has supposedly been resting at home after being released from the hospital nine days before (from an outpatient procedure). She does not attend the wreath-laying ceremony at Arlington with Donald, as she normally would.

May 30: Melania surprisingly does not appear for the “White House Sports and Fitness Day” event, though it dovetails with her children’ initiatives. Ivanka takes her place.

May 30: While Pres. Trump is at the fitness event with his daughter-wife, the @FLOTUS account tweets the following:

Screen Shot 2018-05-31 at 12.52.54 PM.png

Anyone not recently hit in the head with a frying pan, realizes immediately that this tweet was not composed by Melania or any member of her staff, as the syntax is completely off, and alarmingly familiar. Oh, Donald, why are you working overtime to dictate your wife’s tweets?

June 1: Melania has now been missing for 3 weeks. The White House announces that she will not be traveling to Camp David with her husband. It is now likely that she will remain missing throughout the coming weekend.

June 2: The President and his children, Don Jr., Ivanka, Tiffany, and Jared Kushner, all head to Camp David together without Melania. Her conspicuous absence from the family gathering fuels theories that she is either preparing to divorce the President, or that she is gravely ill.

The more the timeline unfolds, the more troubling her story becomes. Given the current administration’s predilection for lying–and in Trump’s case, impersonating people who don’t exist (*cough*, John Barron)–their sloppy attempt to Tweet in her voice only makes the situation as suspicious as the sock puppet they tried out for a Fox News live Melania interview. Nothing about this is normal.

So Where IS Melania?

Theory #1: The Official Hermit Theory

The FLOTUS and POTUS offices stand by the story that the famously private First Lady has been staying under the radar while she recuperates at the White House. They note that she has been out of sight for longer stretches (under, arguably, far less peculiar circumstances). She will reappear when she is feeling up to it, and continues to tweet her support and love for her country.


Problem With This Theory: She hasn’t been tweeting at all. And in light of growing public concerns about her well-being, it is highly strange that she does not at least step out on to a balcony to wave at reporters. She is certainly under no obligation to do so, but wise communications officials might typically press the matter to quell chatter and minimize distractions.

Plus, she doesn’t attend the wreath-laying ceremony? She avoids a family gathering at the serene and private Camp David? Feisty FLOTUS either can’t or won’t participate in White House/husband events, and it has nothing to do with mere privacy.

Theory #2: The Plastic Surgery Theory

Did Melania get a little nip here, a little tuck there instead of, or in addition to, the very vague kidney procedure? Is she just hiding out until the scars heal and the swelling goes down?

Face Peel

Problem With This Theory: It seems a little strange that she should require (additional) plastic surgery at this moment. Donald has not been in office long and she arguably looks pretty tight as it is (maybe overtight–amiright?). Wouldn’t Lady Mel want to get tucked ahead of the recent State Dinner, Memorial Day, and all of the spring and summer high profile events and holidays? Girl would have totally gone under the knife this winter if she was frowning too much in the mirror. The timing just doesn’t jive. 

And you can’t say that it must’ve been botched, because her office told us in advance that she was going to be hospital-bound for an extended period. And don’t forget that she has access to the best makeup experts on earth, making it all the more alarming that we didn’t see her on Memorial Day.

Plus, why the hell is Donald dictating her tweets? If she is hiding a chewed-up visage under a veil, she could still compose her own message to the country thanking everyone for the concern, all Lydia Deetz-style. Why does Donald need to get involved? Is it because she refuses to communicate with us? Or can’t?

Theory #3: The Marital Woes Theory

Ooh, boy. There are some seriously sinister versions of this theory. Let’s start with the straight-forward, vanilla take: Melania has packed her Gucci bags and stomped back to New York in her stilettos, possibly after new sordid details of Donald’s life came to her attention. (Or did she walk in on something? Or get some paternity tests back?) Divorce is on the horizon–or at least an extended separation–and the lawyers and communications shops are trying to hammer out the details before the story breaks publicly, which could be any day.

Betty Draper.gif

If you want to get freaky and darker about it, there are some much grosser versions where Donald loses his temper, perhaps because she threatened him over his affairs or some Russia info. I mean, no one wants to think it, but the man does have a dense history of sexual and physical abuse allegations from past wives and several women outside his marriage. If you go down this ugly road, then our FLOTUS could be injured, or even under “house arrest” somewhere. That’s pretty damn dark, yo. That better not be anywhere near the truth.

Problem With This Theory: Aside from how macabre much of the salacious bits are, this theory does not exactly account for her hospital stay. I suppose the most sinister-minded among us might point to the idea that she was injured by her husband, but that is so revolting that I hope it is beyond Donald’s tiny-handed capabilities.

Hospital aside, the vanilla version of this theory is pretty solid. It explains the childless and Melanialess Trump family trip to Camp David, assuming they need to powwow over messaging and legal matters stemming from a pending divorce. It explains POTUS’s office taking domain over the FLOTUS Twitter account. It explains the empty windows.

Theory #4: The Suicide Attempt or Addiction Recovery Theory

For her sake, let’s not even go down this road. Your imagination is a sick enough place. Here is to sincerely hoping that the former is waaaaaay off. And if it’s the latter, and she needed help to overcome (somewhat understandable) addictions to booze or pills, well then, glad she’s getting help. Either way, if any part of Theory #4 is correct, we will never, never, never know about it.

Theory #5: The Grave Illness Theory

“Benign kidney condition”? That sounds baaad. And you know what’s worse? Lying about it. That’s what the White House did when they tried to pretend that a five-day hospital trip was routine. So how sick is Lady Mel?

If she is sick enough that nine days after leaving the hospital (again, after five days of recovery for an outpatient procedure) she can’t watch her husband pretend to lay a wreath on a grave, while a uniformed spur-free soldier actually does it for him, then our First Lady is in trouble, guys!

Same deal with not joining a family retreat to Camp David. Could she be so ill that she truly can’t attend to drink wine and eat s’mores?


All the Other Crazy-As-Shit Theories

Then there’s this whole other basket of theories…deplorable theories, one might say.

Did terrorists kidnap her? Did Russians try to poison her? Did she have a secret abortion? Does her husband have her imprisoned? Did she smuggle herself out of the country to assume a new identity and live in a roadside taco stand? Is she even alive anymore? Ahhhhhhhhhh!

There is an excellent chance that our First Lady will reappear in the next ten days or so, looking fresh and well-rested and we will never know what really happened. Since that is the best ending, I will continue to hope for it. But make no mistake, Donald is covering up something about Melania. Oh yes, he is.


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