Every Doctor Who Episode Ranked

Ah, the modern Doctor Who episodes. So many handsome Doctors, so many companions, so many catchphrases! Oh, how can one glorious human attempt to rank each and every (modern) episode of the arguably greatest show in television history? Basically with a lot of coffee, maybe some wine, and an incredibly patient spouse.

Be forewarned that while I do not exact judgement against specific writers or directors (ahem, Moff), I do have a lot of affection for light-hearted romps and historical / literary episodes.

Oh, and I play favorites with certain companions. It’s no secret that I simply adore Rose  and Doctor Donna with every beat of my single human heart. And while I have a gentle fondness for Mickey, Rory, Craig, Clara, Nardole, and Bill, and a meager tolerance for Amy and her narcissism, there is no quibbling about how much I loathe Martha.

Yes, I said it. Love her as you will, Marthites! But the woman couldn’t keep her mouth closed most of the time and spent most of her episodes bumbling in confusion and requiring rescue. Her puppy dog crush was just pathetic to watch, and Freema Agyeman’s acting skills were cringe-worthy (please, learn to look terrified with your mouth closed, woman!).  In fact, the only time I even begin to understand the Marthites’ affection for the character is when the writers get her away from the Doctor! All of a sudden, she becomes sharp, commanding, autonomous, and a little kick-ass. The Doctor is her stupid-juice.

Anyway, where was I? Is it hot in here? Yes, I’m sweating. Stupid Martha.

Well, what I have achieved is, quite humbly, magnificent perfection and probably the final word on the subject. Right? I’m sure no one can disagree with me. And should you feel tempted to allow outrage to course through your veins, remember that your cup of tea may not be mine. Maybe you’re a Marthite, or a confused Donna Hater. And if you haven’t invested the hours in organizing your thoughts on the matter into a very thoughtful list that was endlessly tinkered with, then your opinion should be shushed! This project was a lot harder than it looked at the outset.


113. “Daleks in Manhatten” / “Evolution of the Daleks” (season 3, episode 4/5)


Pig-men. Vapid caricatures of 1930s New Yorkers. One ridiculous Dalek in a pin-stripe suit. More pig-men. Love story. Martha. More pig-men. I’ll confess to you right now that I really love nearly every Dalek episode, mostly because I find their angry tin voices and quizzical eye stalks just adorable. But also because, respect. But these two episodes sullied the name of Dalek with this insultingly ridiculous beauty-and-the-beast style plot cloaked in a forced thematic setting. There was so much ripe fruit in the 1930s era for the writers to pick from–serious topics that would do justice to all of the economic turmoil, innovation, bravery, and terrifying warfare. And this is what they gave us. And worst of all, they made us sit through it in two agonizing long parts. With Martha Jones. Almost unwatchable.

112. “The Return of Doctor Mysterio” (2016 Christmas Special)

Return of Doctor Mysterio.jpg

Superheroes. Ugh. One of the many beauties of Doctor Who is that we didn’t need a human with oddly specific superpowers prancing around in masks, disguising his voice, and saving energetic, but naive damsels. We just needed an alien being to show us that humans are, sometimes, powerful in their own right, without radioactive spiders, nuclear accidents, etc. So, holy balls, was I disappointed that Moff decided to cash in on the superhero movie craze. It seemed lazy and jarringly out of place. It could have been a cute idea that the Doctor accidentally gave a human superpowers, but the idea that Grant turned it into an alter ego in a costume took it out of our Whoverse and into an awful summer blockbuster. And all for a Christmas episode! This wasn’t holly or jolly, and it was an insulting gimmick episode that really pissed me off. Worst. Christmas. Episode. Ever. Points Lost For: American episode. Not really sure why superheroes have to be from New York. And continues the trend that American episodes are the worst.

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Doctor Who: River Song’s Timeline Put in Order

Leave it to Moff to take an fun and dynamic Doctor Who character like River Song and make her backstory gobsmackingly confusing. After re-watching the series many times, I still twist my arms around each other pointing to an invisible air timeline when trying to sort out where River’s been and when. To help sort out the jumble of Melody Pond’s life, below is a reconstructed chronology.

(Do I really need to say “Spoilers”!?)

Liquid Baby


Melody Pond was born to Amy Pond and Rory Williams on an asteroid called Demon’s Run, where Amy was being held captive. The baby was named for Amy’s childhood pal, Mels. Shortly after her birth, Melody was spirited away by Madame Kovarian, leaving a baby ganger in her place, unbeknownst to Amy (well, at least until the ganger liquified). Before the baby ganger went to goo, baby Melody was able to meet the Eleventh Doctor for the first time through her link with the ganger.

Orphanage of the Damned


Melody was kidnapped by Madame Kovarian and The Silence in order to train her to assassinate The Doctor. Because she had been conceived in the Time Vortex (though how Madame Kovarian knew that for sure is a little creepy, amiright?), The Silence believe she has special Time Lordy abilities, including regeneration, cleverness, etc.

So what do they do with her? The Silence dump her in the Graystark Hall Orphanage in 1960s Florida ( Oh THANKS, The Silence!), presumably while keeping very close tabs on her and continuing her training / wiping her memory repeatedly.
Continue reading “Doctor Who: River Song’s Timeline Put in Order”