The West Wing Drinking Game!

I can’t be the only one who is charging through (yet another) re-watch of The West Wing right now. The TV show’s peppy little theme song and rosy outlook on the political landscape and condition of America is just what we need to deny reality with zeal and vigor. And since we’re all imbibing as another measure to deny reality, why don’t we combine the two sports into one jolly activity? Therefore, I give you THE WEST WING DRINKING GAME!

Remember to drink responsibly, and never ever drive after drinking. If some episodes are just too out-of-hand, don’t forget to sub in some water, or you’ll end up like Josh, wearing fisherman’s waders and showing up at Donna’s apartment at midnight swearing at her cats. With any luck, we’ll all be singing The Jackal within just a couple episodes. Cheers to you and yours!

How to Play Darts (for Beginners)

The ol’ pub game of darts is the sophisticated gentleman’s game of precision and gentility refined over many generations…no, just kidding. It’s just simply the best game you can possibly play over a pint. Or gin. Or rum. Or pretty much anything. It’s fun, global, and it gives you something to do when the booze makes you twitchy.

I love darts.

Or, I think I love darts. I mean, I used to play on a velcro dart board that I was awarded for selling enough salami and chocolates at my third grade school fundraiser. And that was fun. Until the little velcro dots fell off the plastic dabbers, which never really stuck to the board anyway. But I felt cool thinking I was playing something resembling darts.

The real thing has been too intimidating. People who play real darts play it FOR REAL. And they don’t tend to like when amateurs step on their turf. It’s like that guy in the bowling alley in 2010 who screamed in my face and tried to have me forcibly evicted because I was there with my preschooler mid-afternoon and took four photos of her rolling the ball with her teddy bear. I was distracting to his very professional practice game. When he got in my face, I looked him in the eyes and told him to go fuck himself. I swear he really considered hitting me in the face.

That’s the type of shit that has scared me away from learning real darts. My teddy bear, too.

But it’s time. My husband received a real dart board (with pokey darts and all) for his birthday, and while I can hit the damn wall circle, I have no idea how to score or even take turns.

Hence this post.

Com’on gang. Let’s learn how to play darts. Real darts.

Know Your Dartboard

We can get into fancy lingo in a bit, but for now, take a look at a typical dartboard here.

You can figure your points based on where your dart hits. The numbers encircling the board indicate how many points you get depending on which wedge you hit (value between 1 and 20). If you manage to land in the thin red or green rings, you get either double or triple those points. (The outer black ring gets you nothing!) Take a look below.

Continue reading “How to Play Darts (for Beginners)”

It’s the Fabulous 2020 Democratic Debates BINGO-ish Drinking Game!

Welcome to the November-December, 2019 edition of our favorite BINGO-ish drinking game sport! Let’s get excited for the upcoming Democratic Primary Debates!

The rules are simple: Assign one card to each person. Each card has a list of debate participants and things that (s)he might say or do. There is overlap between some cards, but no two cards are identical. Every time an item on your list occurs during the debate, take a drink!

Sips might be best, because it is going to be a loooong night. Keep those cards out in the open for all to see. And play it cool–you only need sip the first time a word/phrase is mentioned during any one answer or exchange. So if Elizabeth Warren calls Trump 6 different names in a row, just take the one sip.

No need to mark anything off, this is a game of survival. Unless you want to. These cards are BINGO-compatible, or you can just drink for anything on your list, and feel free to yell BINGO! just for fun whenever you like.

There are no winners here, just like the debate. There is only shame, intoxication, mockery, and Biden giving everyone a back rub.

Warning: Alcoholic drinking games are dangerous and stupid, and can lead to harm to person, property body, and soul. If you choose to imbibe, do so responsibly, look out for you and your friends’ well-being, and never drive while under the influence. In fact, you should probably just play this with iced tea and get a lovely night’s rest. Play with booze, and you do so at your own peril.

Here they are, four different cards for your alcoholic enjoyment:

2020 Democratic Debate Drinking Game - Nov2019 a2020 Democratic Debate Drinking Game - Nov2019 b2020 Democratic Debate Drinking Game - Nov2019 c2020 Democratic Debate Drinking Game - Nov2019 d

It’s the Fabulous 2020 Democratic Debates BINGO-ish Drinking Game!

Excited for the September 12, 2019 Democratic Primary Debates? Let’s drink!

The rules are simple: Assign one card to each person. Each card has a list of debate participants and things that (s)he might say or do. There is overlap between some cards, but no two cards are identical. Every time an item on your list occurs during the debate, take a drink!

Sips might be best, because it is going to be a loooong night. Keep those cards out in the open for all to see. And play it cool–you only need sip the first time a word/phrase is mentioned during any one answer or exchange. So if Elizabeth Warren calls Trump 6 different names in a row, just take the one sip.

No need to mark anything off, this is a game of survival. Unless you want to. These cards are BINGO-compatible, or you can just drink for anything on your list, and feel free to yell BINGO! just for fun whenever you like.

There are no winners here, just like the debate. There is only shame, intoxication, mockery, and Beto standing on a chair.

Warning: Alcoholic drinking games are dangerous and stupid, and can lead to harm to person, property body, and soul. If you choose to imbibe, do so responsibly, look out for you and your friends’ wellbeing, and never drive while under the influence. In fact, you should probably just play this with iced tea and get a lovely night’s rest. Play with booze, and you do so at your own peril.

Here they are, four different cards for your alcoholic enjoyment:

2020 Democratic Debate Drinking Game - CARD A.jpg

2020 Democratic Debate Drinking Game - CARD B

2020 Democratic Debate Drinking Game - CARD C.jpg

2020 Democratic Debate Drinking Game - CARD D.jpg

 

Chardee MacDennis Rules: A Playable Version of the Game

Brought to you by It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia…and Boss Hog.

UPDATE, May, 2020: In honor of the glorious quarantine, I have uploaded new and improved versions of the rules and cards. Enjoy!

If you’re reading this, you probably are familiar with the notorious cure for boredom that was conceived by the assholes from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

That’s right, it’s Chardee MacDennis: The Game of Games!

And I have (very painfully) put together a set of rules and cards for a version that is actually playable. Yes, that’s right, playable! Obviously the original Sunny version of Chardee MacDennis would certainly result in serious injury, loss of job, jail time, and probably death. So when I first decided that I needed to play Chardee MacDennis at least once in my life (and make a very unique Christmas gift for my husband), I went a-hunting around the interwebs to see what fans had already concocted. To my horror, I found that pretty much every homegrown variant I saw online was oddly focused around men having to do things to each others’ butts and testicles …unpleasant things. And a lot of farting on command. I don’t do frat boy. 

So I developed a version of Chardee MacDennis that stayed as true to the original game as possible, but in our actual reality. The Gang’s original game had a lot of detailed and crazy-as-hell rules, and I’ve done my best to mimic them almost exactly. My husband and I have play-tested this once and it worked beautifully. We escaped mostly unscathed, but daaayum. What a mess. We really trashed the house, and the place smelled like stale beer for a week, despite my best cleaning efforts.

Forthwith, I present to you a playable version of Chardee MacDennis. But first! Read this very important disclaimer.

Danger Warning
This is an alcoholic drinking game. This is a dangerous game and should never be played by anyone for any reason. The drinking demands and various stunts are all potentially very dangerous, and other elements of the game are destructive, insulting, and degrading. HauntedCoconut.com takes no responsibility for harm to person or property.
Consuming excessive amounts of alcohol leads to impaired judgement and can lead to death. Always drink responsibly, never drive after drinking, and do not play this game. Look out for your family and friends and cease the game immediately if anyone is in distress or does not want to play.  Seek medical attention immediately as needed for you and your cohorts. If you do play Chardee MacDennis, someone could very easily get hurt and things will be broken. People will cry. Reputations will be ruined. Just don’t play this game. If you do, you accept responsibility for all harm, consequences, damages, and injury–physical, mental, and social. Don’t play this game.

Did you read the whole thing? Good. You should. Now that we’ve established you should never play this game, here is how one might hypothetically go about doing so.

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Let’s Get Crafty: Making Your Game Set, Bitches

It’s time to make your very own Chardee MacDennis set. I store all of the crap below in an oversized shoebox with a picture of Danny DeVito on the lid. Oh, and I would like to note that I just opened my game box for the first time in about a year, and it has a strong beerish-fruity smell. Can’t imagine why. Huh. Anyway, you’ll need to following components to make your Chardee MacDennis set:

  1. The Rules: Print them out from the download link below. (You probably should laminate them.)
  2. The Game Cards: Print and neatly trim them into individual cards. NOTE! There are 3 sets of cards included in the printout: Level 1-MIND, Level 2-BODY, and Level 3-SPIRIT. Print each of these cards on a different color of paper (or otherwise demarcate the difference between the 3 sets). Sort and shuffle them ahead of the game. If you let people read them ahead of time, they won’t be nearly as surprised later on.
  3. The Game Board: The game board is meant to be rudimentary, but sturdy. This is what it should look like. I made mine out of scrap wood, and used markers and paint.
    Chardee MacDennis Board-HauntedCoconutcom.jpeg
  4. Game Pieces For Each Team: Each team should have a totem to represent themselves on the game board. This should be roughly the size of an action figure, Barbie, or troll doll. WARNING: These pieces are susceptible to irreversible damage and destruction. Each team can have fun deciding which game piece will work best.
    its-always-sunny-in-philadelphia-20111026115117884_640w_1319761030
    The ASIP player pieces…
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…and our player pieces. I am Catwoman, of course. Catwoman has been subjected to the flames of dishonor.

5. Flag For Each Team: Each team should decide on a team name and create a flag to represent that team and assist in their demonstrations of physical prowess and intimidation. Each team may choose their materials and medium.

Chardee MacDennis Flags-HauntedCoconutcom
My flag on the left and my husbands on the right. Someone clearly put a lot more thought into her team flag than her husband. Also, notice the char marks on the corner of mine. I lost. He set it on fire.

6. The Puzzle Bag: You should take a very large t-shirt that you don’t mind destroying, and cut it into roughly 6 to 8 pieces, as if it were a jigsaw puzzle that could be put back together. Place the pieces in a bag for future use.

7. Bag of Dialects and Voices: Cut up a number of strips of paper to approximately equal sizes and write on each one a dialect or voice that may be imitated upon command during the game. Creativity is highly encouraged. Fold up each slip of paper once and keep them all in a bag for blind drawing later on. Examples from my set:
– French accent
– Christopher Walken
– Dramatic Movie Trailer Guy
– Pirate
– Cookie Monster
– Scottish accent
– Forrest Gump
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8. The Black Card: This is TOP SECRET. This is the tiebreaker card that is hidden from all and sealed, only to be opened under the rare circumstance that there is a tie. As the game maker, you will have to create this and write the following (forget it immediately afterward: [Highlight to Read Top Secret Contents of Black Card]
In the event of a tie, a winner must be chosen.
THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE.
Flip a coin.

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9. Some Other Crap: I also keep a blindfold and 6-sided die in the gamebox.

Props to Have On-Hand

Now you have your base set. But before you’ll be ready to play, there are some other props you’ll need to gather. If you are missing any items, certain cards may not be playable and should be removed from the deck. (Try not to do this too often).

  • A Timer
  • Deck of playing cards, standard
  • A music player with wide access to a lot of songs
  • Headphones
  • A dozen eggs, roughly (more eggs are better)
  • Roll of duct tape
  • Set of Scrabble tiles
  • Sand or dry rice in a bucket (messy!)
  • Pillows
  • Shampoo
  • Flour
  • Markers (they may be applied to skin in awful ways, so choose carefully)
  • Crayons
  • Paper
  • Grapes, marshmallows, jelly beans, or carrot coins (to be gobbled up, in a game that is a MAJOR CHOKING HAZARD. Be careful.)
    9829539c76b9e253.jpg
  • Marbles, or similarly sized spheres
  • Pencil and pens
  • Cinnamon
  • Quarters
  • Blankets
  • Color dot stickers (or sheets of other stickers)

You may also want a tarp. These games get messy, yo.

Booze

Even though drinking games are a terrible idea, the game calls for the following: Wine, beer, AND hard alcohol. There should be enough of all three for all players. (See the rules if you’re worried about a picky-persnickety person.)

There it is. You now have all the tools you need to play the Game of Games. Good luck, and please accept this illusion of respect I send to you now. Now get to it, godammit!

Download the New & Improved Chardee MacDennis Rules here.

Download the New & Improved Chardee MacDennis Cards here.

(PS – Remember, you may not call “bullshit” on any questions or answers. The cards are what they are. If you wanted better, maybe you should’ve created an entire Chardee MacDennis set from scratch.)

Chardee

A Tragic Bar Fight, 1884

A terribly true story of my great-great grandfather, Lorenzo, and his brother, Rufus, taken directly from eyewitness
accounts in court records.

On the afternoon of September 16, 1884, Rufus Eldridge and Lorenzo “Ron” Stevens, farmers living on adjoining properties in London, Ontario, drove their horse-drawn wagon to Nilestown, Ontario to purchase “domestic supplies”.

Lorenzo was a 41 year-old bachelor who managed the family farm and cared for his mother. Rufus was his 48 year-old half-brother and close friend who was recently married and had just become a father for the first time. His son Freddie was a little over one year old.

The two journeyed to Nilestown that day, as they had so often in the past, probably to purchase goods like sugar, fabrics, or fencing. As the pleasant afternoon turned to evening, the brothers were apparently in no great rush to get home. They settled in at the Nilestown Hotel with drinks, their wagon and horses stationed nearby. It was there, at the saloon, where they came across strangers John Richards, William Butt, Edward Noulty, and Henry L’Ansette, among others.

The group caroused well into the late evening, when sometime after 10pm an argument broke out between Rufus and Edward Noulty about which man was the better man–especially which man could “draw brick” better. Rufus began to brag that he could “lick” any man in the room, pressing his hand onto Noulty’s shoulder he exclaimed “I can draw more brick than you, or I can lick you either”. 

Noulty turned to L’Ansette and suggested “Here’s a man can ‘lick’ you”, indicating the inebriated Rufus.

Jeremiah McRoberts, proprietor of the hotel came over, grabbed Noulty by the shoulders and took him to the corner of the room to reprimand him not to cause a fight. Noulty relented and agreed, but as soon as he returned a scuffle broke out between him and Rufus. Shoves. Jabs. Maybe even a punch or two.

 

The dispute, which began at the Nilestown Hotel soon shifted just down the street to the Byers Hotel. Rufus and Lorenzo had left the first hotel, and walked down the street a short way to the Byers, not ready to end the evening, and presumably to lick their figurative wounds and grouse about the troublemakers. 

The two weren’t long at the Byers before Noulty and L’Ansette reappeared. Almost immediately, “Rufe” threw Noulty to the ground and began choking him, prompting the hotel-keeper to pull him off.

At the same time, Ron had started brawling with L’Ansette. The latter hit Ron, knocking him down to the ground. Witnesses differ on whether Ron crawled or ran behind the bar, but all agree that then, with L’Ansette reaching for him over he bartop, Ron grabbed a liquor bottle and broke it over his attacker’s head. As blood ran down the Frenchman’s head, Ron reached for more bottles to start throwing, when he was grabbed by a witness and pulled to a hallway at the back of the bar. Rufus was escorted back there as well.

Noulty and L’Ansette were ejected out the front door.

After much protest by Noulty and L’Ansette, they were shortly allowed back in and L’Ansette was said to be quite worked up, holding his bleeding head and muttering that “a man that would do that would kill his own brother.”

The aggravated Frenchman was about 27 years old, and was said to be stout and powerful in appearance, with a “bulldog”-like head and an aggressive countenance. He was well known around the neighborhood as a fighter with a bad temper–a trait that was on full display as he paced, threatened, and ranted, hoping to get revenge against the older men. He was heard shouting “Rufe, you —–, I can lick you, and I will!”

By that point, Ron and Rufus had moved into the kitchen, where a witness told them to sit tight for a while before leaving. The altercation had already gotten too hot, and the brothers were determined to leave. Rufus pulled out a knife saying that no one was going to prevent him from going home. 

Continue reading “A Tragic Bar Fight, 1884”

It’s Thankstivus! The Much Better Alternative to Thanksgiving

I’m declaring a brand-new holiday from this year forward: THANKSTIVUS!

It will be observed on the traditional Thanksgiving day. The holiday does not require decoration, but should you choose to, the thematic colors are blue and black, to symbolize the bruising of our souls by Thanksgivings of years past.

Thankstivus Traditions

The celebration of Thankstivus should be observed as follows: First, all parties must sleep in until a very late hour, for family is exhausting. Then all participants gather at one home in the mid to late afternoon. Children should be immediately evacuated to an insulated room elsewhere in the house with nourishment and entertainment to last hours.

Wine and Cheese Reception

The holiday commences with a pregame wine and cheese reception, that will last exactly 15 minutes, during which no one may speak. This is a time of reflection, relaxation, intimidation of other parties, and–above all else–drinking.

The Airing of the Grievances

Borrowing from the magical holiday of Festivus, it is more appropriate than ever at the beginning of the holiday season to air the grievances. Once the wine and cheese reception is complete, the most eager and loudest person may begin telling everybody how they have disappointed them in the past year. Physical contact (especially hugging) is prohibited, and crying will not stop the proceedings (nice try, Mom). Heavy drinking is permitted, and encouraged.

This will last until everyone has aired their grievances, or one hour maximum, hence why it is important to make your grievances heard loudly and first above all other voices.

The Feast

The grievances are to be set aside, as if purged and cleansed, and everyone is to dine. Each person will bring their own food of choice, since not everyone likes turkey or conforming. Hot dogs, chicken wings, lasagna. There is no wrong meal at Thankstivus. This is a time to feed the stomach and the soul in preparation for the holiday season ahead. You will need your fortitude for gift shopping, light hanging, tree tinseling, and cookie baking. Now is the time for nourishment. And more alcohol.

Nap Intermission

All parties are at liberty to nap on any couches, beds, or armchairs available with no malice toward the sleeping. This nap is to last at most one hour, so as not to skunk the entire damn holiday. Parties not interested in napping may watch mindless television and movies, but no one shall clean or perform other chores. This is a time of mindful rest and meditation.

The Feats of Brilliance

The final ritual of the holiday is the Feats of Brilliance. All members are required to participate, with no exceptions or excuses. The group shall sit down and compete in a tabletop board game, or several, as deemed necessary to declare a Thankstivus Champion. The prize for the Thankstivus Champion is unlimited rights to leftovers from any participant, taking none that she or he does not want, free of guilt or obligation. The Champion may not participate in the cleaning of the dishes or other insipid post-holiday chores (moving tables and chairs, finding Tupperware lids, taking out garbage, etc.). Further, the Thankstivus Champion may drink from any other person’s cup for the rest of the night, as all alcohol becomes spoils of the Champion. The Champion shall reign superior until a new Thankstivus Champion is declared one year later.

I think we will all find that this will be a holiday of cleansing, preparation, and arming ourselves for the jollity ahead. I say to you that autumn is not a time of thanks, but a time to be royally pissed off at the cold and darkness, and the pressure of the oncoming holidays and bleak winter. Rue on, good November people. And Jolly Thankstivus to you and yours.

Hugo Recipe: The Effing Drink of the Summer

Because I’m a fancy pants,  I can say that I drained my bank account dry to fly across the ocean and sit at various cafes around Luxembourg, Belgium, and Germany not long ago. Food and drink were gorgeously abundant, but none were so surprising as the popular drink, the Hugo. If you’re pretending to be European, then go on and pronounce it “Oogo”. These were served (and overcharged for) at every restaurant we stopped at, and we found that Trier, Germany even had Hugo stands right in the middle of the marketplace. For this, I applaud the people of Europe. We need more cocktail stands around here.

Anyway, it is a delicious and bubbly light summer drink, best served out of a wine glass and with a straw and some ice. It’s true. I know it sounds crass, but that is truly how it’s served. Not too sweet, and not at all bitter. This is what you drink on a gorgeous summer afternoon or evening while soaking up the fresh air.

Here is the recipe for a single cocktail:

Ice Cubes
2-3 Fresh Mint Leaves
1 part Elderflower Syrup/Extract
3 parts Brut Sparkling Wine (a Luxembourg vintage is preferred, but an Italian Prosecco will also serve)
1 Lime Wedge

Instructions:
Combine in a wine glass. Boom. I mean, you may want to squeeze the lime and muddle the mint leaves a bit, but no need to get too precious.

Trier cocktails.jpg

The CNN Wolf Blitzer Drinking Game!

If you can’t get enough CNN in your week, and Wolf Blitzer with his monotone run-on sentences has you all alight, then you, friend, are the perfect candidate for the Wolf Blitzer Drinking Game! Jazz up your evening news-viewing experience, invite friends to join! After all, if you have to see Trump’s ugly mug on a nightly basis, you might as well not be sober. Let’s get Blitzered.

(And drink responsibly, without the driving afterward.)

Okay, the rules! Very simple: Take one drink (a sip or a shot) whenever Wolf Blitzer says the following:

  • “Stand By” or “Standing By”

  • “As it were”

  • Wolf makes a straight-faced bad pun (i.e. “Kim Jong Un-believable…”)

That’s it. Any more and you would die.