Katie Using Words

It’s November. A chill is in the air and the fire is crackling. That can only mean one thing: it’s time to uncork unscrew the cap from a bottle of wine and turn on the ultimate Thanksgiving movie: Planes, Trains, and Automobiles.

If you haven’t seen this 1987 classic, you’re in for a holiday farce about love, travel, and breaking through all of your personal shit–just in time for the holiday. The layyyers of Thanksgiving themes are so good you’ll want a giant blue parka, some roadside diner coffee (and your rental agreement) every single Thanksgiving. Com’on–Mr. Heckles drives a wicked taxiola, Del vibrates some beer cans, and Steve Martin throws some f-bombs that were 80s-shocking. It’s magnificent.

For those of you just here for the commentary, it’s gonna be a wild ride. I have no idea how I’m going to mock this movie–which is what I usually do with these types of write-ups. I usually shit on the characters or the writing or annnnnything. But this movie is, arguably, perfection. I have no idea how this is all going to go down.

So get your gobblers ready, adjust your car seat, and leave your socks on–because we don’t care to breathe your foot odor. It’s time for an annual rewatch of Planes, Trains, and Automobiles!

LET’S HIT THE ROAD!

PLANES, TRAINS, and AUTOMOBILES RE-WATCH

01:15 – Man, I don’t think I ever noticed just how posh and enormous that makeup exec’s office/boardroom is. It’s like an 80s palace. It has TWO fireplaces!

2:40 – Ferris Bueller’s dad is pretty evil here with those eyebrows. That would’ve fuckin freaked me out if I was riding in that elevator. Like, what? We’ll never make it down to the 6th floor? Is there a bomb? What DO YOU KNOW?

3:07 – It’s Kevin Bacon! Man, did John Hughes have a lot of pull back then.

4:50 – I’m just realizing that the pockets on Neal’s overcoat are RIDICULOUS. I’m kinda jealous, actually. He could hold a slurpy, a novel, 3 electronic devices, and a few snacks in those pockets.

6:37 – There’s a lot to unpack as we meet Neal’s family (yes, it’s spelled “Neal”–I checked), living in the Home Alone house. Those are some pretty harsh looks that family is sporting, including that bowl cut on the Lawrence kid. Yikes!

6:46 – Bowl Cut is right, Indian burns are NOT a way to say I love you. Those fuckers hurt! That is some mean grandpa shit to do to a kid. (And, also, not very sensitive to indigenous cultures, 1980s.)

7:28 – If The Canadian Mounted was a real book, I would absolutely own it.

9:48 – John Candy’s laugh is fucking infectious.

10:37 – Oh god, this is where I start to really identify with Neal. I am that strained smile. Oh look, the guy next to him was in the Home Alone airport talking about his wife’s dangly earrings. Dude loves the skies.

12:18 – Wait, does Neal have to give up his right nut now? Was that part of the bet?

12:27 – Ha! Wifey didn’t wait up after all. Fun fact: Her paranoid line of questioning (“What’s going on, Neal?”) and the odd cutaway is because in initial filming there was a subplot where wifey was convinced Neal was having an affair, but it got cut on the editing room floor. Hence, why her role and line delivery is always a little strange.

13:07 – I GOTTA MOTTO: LIKE YOUR WORK, LOVE YOUR WIFE. He’s so sweet. I mean, until he started talking about playing pickup sticks with his butt cheeks…

14:01 – Ha! Behind Ben Stein is a Destination that reads “Nowhere”.

15:07 – Hey! Mr. Heckles used to go by the name Doobby and drive a taxiola, which is awesome. Look at him drive down the center of the road over the double yellow line! Is my favorite part of his ride all of the Garfield air fresheners? Maybe.

23:11 – Here it comes, the fight that may have happened before between me and my husband (I’m Neal, by the way–I know, I need to work on some things. Insight!).

28:23 – I love Del’s pajamas and I want them. How can we live in a world where no one is making and marketing such glorious sleepwear?

29:05 – THOSE AREN’T PILLOWS!

30:17 – The two kids walking there, that’s Marty and Neal Jr. running away from home because they’re afraid of Grandpa Indian Burns. Go, babies, go!

33:16 – I think I should go as Owen for Halloween next year, whaddya think? Or next time I have Thanksgiving with my parents. Just show up in character. I’ll need some Big League Chew bubblegum and a lot of flannel…

33;23 – Del’s wearing earmuffs. Do people even know what those are anymore? Actually, they weren’t bad. Very warm and secure. Goodbye, sweet earmuffs. Prediction: They’ll be back…and soon!

35:25 – I’m with the doggo–don’t touch the goddamn gloves! They’re already invading his hey nest and now they wanna touch his shit?

36:00 – Ye know, that was actually really nice of Owen to take them so far. And you were judging him, weren’t you? Shame.

37:22 – Awwww, Del’s started to thaw Neal’s heart. Look at him all, “Oot! Howdy stranger, would you like the small talk instead of reading?” And he’s so happy about it.

39:08 – I spotted a blooper! John Candy is walking away from the train with his trunk, briefcase, and a blue duffel bag–but it’s supposed to be a brown briefcase, and it is in the next closeup shot. Detective Katie! Suck it, Poirot.

39:23 – WHAT is with the old man and the box full of mice?? I think it’s freakin adorable, but how on earth is this a thing? Should the mice be loose like that? Does the man know? Why??

42:48 – So much going on right now. I have no idea how those ladies got the shower curtain rings to jam into their earlobes / Poor Marty having to be in those awful recitals that every child HATES–and most of the kids aren’t even delivering their lines (deadbeats!) / Steve Martin is holding the payphone in the exact proper way. Good man. But…maybe you shouldn’t trust your luggage to the care of your local bus trolls.

45:30 – Pssst–the blue duffel bag is back. I don’t know why I effing care.

45:48 – I wonder if Marathon knew this was the publicity they were signing up for. Probably not. I’m guessing they all laughed out front, but behind closed doors some poor guy named Henderson was fired in the extreme for this. Probably dragged around a parking lot by his nuts for a while before being dumped on a runway.

47:50 – What the hell kinda shoes did they put him in? Those look like really ugly TOMS. Duuuude, you should be super embarrassed. I thought you were a professional!

49:18 – Slap her with your TOMS! That’ll get that turkey gobble look off her face!

49:50 – Go Mrs. Pool! (Hogan Family reference!–I’m guessing I’m the only one who would’ve known that. Sandy Duncan, whatever happened to you and your Wheat Thins?)

54:06 – “You play with your balls a lot” is a really weird and specific thing to annoy you, Del. I mean the dude squirms and frowns and complains constantly. But Del’s more concerned that he reaches down south for a tug and scratch? (Or whatever men do that make them go fishing down there–I dunno.)

55:01 – “How can you break a car seat? It’s impossible.” Writers, do you have a time machine and have you been spying on my marriage? “I’m not gonna be held responsible for faulty engineering.” Can they see me right now?

59:22 – I love that through that whole stuck parka sequence plenty of hubcaps went flying off the car, but the car still isn’t (seemingly) missing any. I’m not calling this a flub. I think it’s funny to consider where all those extra hubcaps might’ve been coming from.

1:02:23 – At this point they should legitimately consider torching the car–ye know, on purpose.

1:04:09 – I just realized how cute it is that since Del didn’t cram his trunk in the backseat and it flew off during the accident (along with his duffel bag AND briefcase [??]), he’s lost nothing. Neal lost the car (his card), his wallet, his suit bag, his briefcase. Del? Still whole. Man he’s great. He is the Angel of Chaos. Wait, that’s a thing, right?

1:07:52 – Hey, the lawyer from Jurassic Park runs the motel! Man that guy gets completely screwed in every movie.

1:08:23 – “I’ve been wearing the same underwear since Tuesday”. That would’ve been yesterday. It’s Wednesday, the day before Thanksgiving. Okay, whatever.

1:08:39 – Throw in your TOMS, I bet they’re worth a fortune!

1:09:50 – Is that supposed to be Roy Orbison on the wall? Hot.

1:09:55 – I bet half of you out there don’t understand what Neal’s doing with that telephone and why it isn’t working. Also, that is some fiery pink lipstick that lady is wearing to bed!

1:13:56 – I have to interrupt to say that I LOVE this motel room. The front door is super cute with its stained glass and cow head. Above the door is a massive bull’s head that looks sweet. Then inside there’s a glowing covered wagon light, wagon wheel headboards, a hot picture of Roy Orbison, a rocking chair, and tons of room. I would love to stay at this motel. It’s a shame they had to close down after two dill-holes destroyed a room or two and drove off…

1:17:50 – Only in this movie could Michael McKean be the third funniest man onscreen. Fact.

1:18:39 – Wait, where did Neal get the tan corduroy overcoat and plaid hunter’s cap? And why have I never wondered this before?

1:19:23 – And here’s John Candy with a mysterious black eye. But at this point, why not?

1:19:40 – Hmmm. The driver let Del ride up front. This is Neal discrimination. Or an attempted kidnapping. I think they should be more worried than they are. Neal’s ass is about to be sold on the streets of Wisconsin.

1:20:00 – I don’t know why Neal’s so put out–it’s warmer than the burnt car (no wind) and cheaper (no fuel) and they don’t have to do a damn thing. And there might be free cheese in those boxes…maybe?

1:22:38 – If a cherry pie is wafting steam or smoke comin’ out the oven, you’ve done something really wrong.

1:24:02 – Oh no, heartbreak. Mic drop. More heartbreak. Ok, this is probably rude to point out now, but Neal’s new clothing is gone. That was a fine plaid hat-I hope he didn’t throw it away!

1:25:05 – Crap, this is the end scene that makes me cry. ESPECIALLY since John Candy died.

1:25:20 – Ha, every piece of luggage they’re hauling is Del’s. Neal’s got nothing left except his beak-faced ice-cold wife.

1:25:40 – What in the name of Mr. Gobbles have they put on that Lawrence kid. Is he wearing knickers? And a bowtie, suspenders, and a cardigan? Poor Bowl Cut. He already has several Indian burns and now he’s dressed like the worst nerd ever. His family is really, really mean.

1:27:01 – Oh, he’s so sad and sweet. So many tears.

Crap, it’s a beautiful ending.

So there we go. I have a gift for ruining things, but there just is no way to ruin this movie. I hope you’ve all enjoyed yourselves. Gobble, gobble! thwoolwoolwoo!