Katie Using Words

The 1984 horror film, Gremlins, is a Christmas masterpiece with few peers in its class. It has jumps, scares, singing, dog threatening, cookies, trees, chainsaws, medical experiments, headless snowmen, rogue snow plows. Yes, it really has everything.

And that blender-microwave one-two shot (which meant I could never not be afraid of the carol, “Do You Hear What I Hear?”) and the gorgeous soliloquy about a dead chimney father? Those scenes alone should be enough to rank this among the greatest Christmas films of all-time. It’s thrilling and stomach-churning all at once, just like every good holiday tale should be.

Consider, though, that its greatness lies not in your preconceived notions of tingly holiday jollity–all largely based on decades of marketing and slander, romancing the story of the Peltzer family of inventions and Corey Feldman spending a curious amount of time with an older man in his attic bedroom.

There is another far more beautiful layer to this story. It is the tale of the gremlins themselves–a gorgeous, intelligent new species arriving just in time to spread holiday joy and battle against the horrors of humanity. That is the real Christmas magic.

Not what you were expecting?

Well, it’s time to open your eyes and rub them until the picture comes clear, like little Cindy Lou awakening on early Christmas morn. Until now, you’ve been seeing this Christmas film through grinch-colored glasses and fed coal-tainted lies about our titular gremlins.

Follow me as I walk you through the tale of the gremlins–marginalized, murdered, and misunderstood.

Their Origins

The writers of this hit-piece never really flesh out the origins of the mogwai or the gremlins. We don’t know how many there are, how long they live, and what the history is of the species.

However, it seems obvious that the crushingly adorable mogwai are merely larval gremlins that naturally advance into the pupal stage to reach their inevitable and natural evolution. By suppressing that metamorphosis, humans are deliberately working against nature’s will.

Most likely, Gizmo can only resist because he was kept in a hellish box prison inside of a damp basement shop for who knows how many years, decades, or centuries. The mogwai and gremlins clearly have intelligence that can rival humans so Gizmo was effectively programmed to understand that his survival and existence hinged on the condition that he not give in to his natural late-night feeding urges. Poor little guy was traumatized already.

Then he was accidentally water-r*ped.

His offspring, naturally unaware of suppression and oblivious to Gizmo’s history of abusive treatment are zealous for life. They play with toys, laugh with each other, and seem to find joy in this new existence.

But they are hungry–so ravenous according to their natural biological cycles and cravings that they are willing to sabotage a perfectly good alarm clock in order to be fed. Their poor little bellies were aching and Billy tried to starve them.

Nature finds a way, Billy. Nature finds fried chicken.

Their Emergence From the Chrysalis

I’ll admit that their “hatching” was a little bit aesthetically problematic, especially with steam and ooze, and whatnot.

Hark, what hubris it is, though, to deride them for chrysalitic shells that are presumably filled with protective bacteria and nutrition! Then, when they emerged–surely a bit dazed and feeling vulnerable, they went in search of sustenance like a babe wanting to suckle or a butterfly seeking nectar.

What they immediately found was delicious mana: Gingerbread men coated in sugary icing. Perfect for their empty bellies and depleted blood sugar levels. Feasting on this sweet treat, they are instantly set upon by a deranged curly-haired human woman.

Yes they jumped out and scared her. Yes they should’ve kept their claws to themselves and not knocked over the tree. But this is all behavior that merely rivals a housecat. Only a monster would stick a cat in the blender. So what does that say about Mrs. Peltzer?

On the other side of Kingston Falls awakens a littermate, unaware that many of his (or her) siblings have been slaughtered back at home. Days previously, Billy selected one mogwai at random and shoved them in a wire cage. Through the frosty winter air the scared furry critter was carried under blinding cover until arriving in a laboratory where a very unethical teacher began medical experiments on them.

How can we not expect retaliation to kidnapping and cruelty? Okay, the laboratory gremlin, admittedly, did cross a line by (presumably) killing the teacher. But did we even verify that the teacher died? Maybe he just got a bad bite and needed a bandage. Your presumption of his death signals anti-gremlin bias.

Their General Behavior

Once they escaped their captors and explored Kingston Falls, think on what the gremlins chose to do. They went to a bar and got rowdy with drinks, card games, and art performances. Puppet shows. Jazz. Aerobic breakdancing. Many try to don clothes to assimilate to their new home.

That sounds pretty great. It was a hatching party! Although I always do ask, who the hell gave a newborn gremlin a gun? How irresponsible.

Now, because their personalities are naturally boisterous and their skin is green and scaly, Kate the barkeep tries to deny them service. At first she discourteously serves them ale, but eventually resorts to breaking bottles over their heads and trying to scare them with fire. Talk about discrimination. They might have paid. The guy at the poker table seemed to have some cash on-hand.

Then she runs off and leaves the bar untended so she can be with her boyfriend. So now the gremlins, second-class citizens that they are, must tend bar on their own.

Granted, the rate at which they commit theft (yeah I know they weren’t going to pay their bar tab, and they took candy and popcorn at the theatre, borrowed a snow plow, etc.) is troubling. They did just hatch, though, so they had no clear understanding of society’s laws and norms. This was more of a cultural misunderstanding than anything else. Plus, they tried to make it up to everyone by learning and performing Christmas carols for the town’s enjoyment.

At the end of the night, where did they all end up? Watching Snow White and loving it. They ate candy and popcorn (“yum-yummm”) and sang along with the dwarves. Such adorable kids having a wholesome night out.

Note how Billy seems to have a moment of dawning realization that maybe they aren’t demons but just some new joyful species enjoying yuletide merriment. Then he shakes it off and plots to murder them all–right in the middle of their Disney sing-along. That’s cold, Billy.

Their Alleged Victims

Before you start to argue that people were harmed, even killed by these nutty little dudes, think on what actually happened.

Barney – The feisty mogwai could have easily killed the dog (much like human Mrs. Deagle wanted to), but they merely decorated him and hung him safely where Billy could find him. Really, they may have thought it was a kind gift. A mere misunderstanding.

The Futtermans – The racist, cranky Mr. Futterman and his wife were understandably put out when a gremlin tried to learn how to drive and accidentally drove a snow plow into their home. Or maybe the green fella didn’t understand that snow plows aren’t supposed to take down buildings. He was just hatched. Either way, the Futtermans survived and probably got a nice insurance check out of it. Mr. Futterman had a hell of a drinking story to tell everyone for the rest of his cranky life.

Mr. Hanson – Again, even if Mr. Hanson died, the gremlin’s case might hold up in court as self-defense based on imprisonment and torture. Ach, he’s probably fine and retired in Florida. He and Mr. Futterman drink beers and chat on the phone each Christmas about the damn foreigners.

Mom Peltzer – She brutally murdered their siblings and came at more of them with a huge knife. Out of this carnage she got a few scrapes on her face and a twisted arm. Boo-hoo. Those poor little guys were slaughtered.

Mrs. Deagle – I know murder is wrong, but, arguably, she had it coming. They surely chatted at the bar about how she threatened Barney at the bank and decided that she needed to learn a lesson. Consider how those clever guys even read her name and confirmed that she was the evil Mrs. Deagle they were looking for. They sought her out specifically–no one else, just her. It might’ve even been conceived as a harmless prank, though they did delight in the death almost as much as I did. Isn’t Kingston Falls a better place to live without her?

Their Demise

I know that Stripes was supposed to be the super villain of the movie, but the guy only avoided mass murder because he was out on a candy run. A. CANDY. RUN. That little guy did everything he could to keep his slaughtered species going and the humans just kept attacking him for it. They just couldn’t let him live because he was different.

I know Gizmo helped Billy with skylight out of loyalty and affection for his human friend, but if you don’t think that murdering his own son won’t traumatize Gizmo for a long time, you’re a monster, just like the rest of us.

Yes, we are the monsters that destroy Christmas and turn out families for not paying rent during the holidays. We are the monsters who microwave other species and threaten to butcher dogs. We are the monsters who imprison and torture mogwai and try to sell people phony smokeless ash trays and defective bathroom buddies. We are the monsters who get drunk and try to crawl down an obviously dangerous chimney.

Poor, poor gremlins. Maybe someday they will find a place in a society that respects and cherishes them.

Until then, merry freakin’ Christmas, and stay away from chimneys, people.