Katie Using Words

First Lady Melania Trump has a fondness for large sunglasses that hide a third of her face. I appreciate her wont to be shielded not only from the sun, but also the direct gaze of her companions. That’s only natural, if not also subliminally indicative of her culpability in her husband’s reign of terror and stupidity.

There is a downside, though, to her shady fashion choices: It has fueled a very odd rumor that a body double has been occasionally appearing in her place.

Personally, I don’t think it makes any difference. It is entirely arguable that Melania has nothing of value to contribute in any public or private spheres, so if she wants to staff it out and spend more time with what I assume is a harem of expensive playboys, I say brava.

This fringe theory does seem to bother some corners of the internet, however. Perhaps it is the insult of the lie or the disrespect for the dubious honor of being First Lady. Or perhaps some people just don’t want Shitler to get away with thinking he’s fooled anyone for even a second.

I don’t blame them, but such a conviction doesn’t mean there really has been a “Fake Melania”. Let’s explore how the rumors started and what (or who) is really behind those giant dark glasses.

Origins of the Fake Melania Theory: October, 2017

It was autumn, 2017 and the Trumps were heading out to visit a Secret Service training facility in Maryland. They paused on the White House lawn so Donny Wideload could address reporters. Melania is dressed in a trench coat and trademark jumbo shades, presumably all part of her spy chic fashion phase. Between that and her body language, which arguably looks bored and uncomfortable, spectators begin to wonder if it is really her.

Adding massive fuel to the fire: President Trump actually says during that gaggle, “My wife, Melania, who happens to be right here…”. The interwebs collectively point out that this is exactly what Donny would say if she wasn’t right there. The frenzy of rumors even extend to a theory of her demise.

My Take: This is the one and only real Melania. She looks like she would rather be having a root canal than standing on that lawn any longer, but it’s her. The jaw, the nose, the movement of her mouth, it all does add up. Donny made his awkward comment most likely because he forgot she was traveling with him.

Plus, there is this follow-up photo, which I think debunks the body double theory. This time.

Melania Goes Missing: June, 2018

After the trench coat affair, I gave little credence to the Fake Melania whispers. Then the First Lady went missing.

Through most of June and a bit of July, 2018, Melania Trump went missing from the public eye. Reported medical issues and an extended hospital stay only fuelled all sorts of wild speculation and theories. Illness, death, divorce, imprisonment. The #WheresMelania frenzy was wild–and got pretty dark, you guys.

Compounding the concerns, Donny clearly was behind a number of Tweets from her FLOTUS account during this period, pretending to be her. They were so clearly his own words, cadence, and lexicon that if he didn’t type the Tweets himself then he at least dictated them.

When it was all over, Melania was missing for 24 days. There is still no adequate answer for where she went or why.

My Take: This helps to debunk the idea that a “Fake Melania” had been utilized previously. If one existed, then she probably would have been rolled out in at least some small way–waving at a White House window, standing on a balcony, etc.

This episode did, however, highlight that Melania might have some mighty big secrets and her team isn’t great at managing them.

The Fake Melania Theory Resurfaces: March, 2019

March, 2019. Tornadoes devastated various parts of the country, much of the damage in Alabama. The Trumps emerged to tour the devastation and at least pretend to care about the humans. This is when the Fake Melania Theory blew up again.

This is the photo that sent Twitter over the edge:

Actually, to be fair, the conspiratorial eyebrows were raised the moment Mrs. Covfefe stepped off the plane since she exited Air Force One ahead of POTUS, which is unusual. Melania would know the protocol.

Then this photo began circulating and several people lit their hair on fire that this was absolute, incontrovertible proof of a Fake Melania. It wasn’t just the “look” but also the way she held Donny’s hand. Others swore that her hair was shorter, the texture was different, and that she was a fair deal shorter.

To make matters worse, President Trump fuelled the fire by weighing in on the Fake Melania theory on Twitter for the first time, inadvertently lending it credence. He swore the fake media had altered these photos, which wasn’t true. There was video, not doctored.

My Take: Even I have to admit that his looks funny. Her chin looks different. Her hair is parted in a different way. And the fashion choices are odd given her usual style.

However, odd angles and lighting can perhaps account for this. She may appear shorter because she is wearing flat sneakers instead of her usual high heels. Plus Donny loves to wear lifts in his shoes for a nice photo op boost to his oily ego. Based on other photos I’ve seen of Melania from about that time, the hair length seems reasonable. The nose seems spot-on. It’s also worth noting she was traveling with Barron and I would think a “real Melania” would want to keep her son with her.

It’s curious, indeed. But I’m not convinced this was a Fake sighting.

A Suspect Emerges as Melania’s Body Double: Spring, 2019

At this point the untrusting masses start pointing to a likely Fake Melania–a member of FLOTUS’s security detail. Of course it’s very deliberate that her protection includes potential body doubles. But are they willing to drag her out to fool reporters and dignitaries? That’s a pretty big leap. On the other hand now I’m looking at this photo and the one above. Now I’m even questioning.

Another Fake Melania Sighting: June, 2019

France. The commemoration of D-Day. It’s hardly the time to be thinking of body doubles. Nevertheless, a photo of Melania emerged that had the public squawking.

One tweet I came across suggested that you can always spot Fake Melania based because Donny is “extra handsy” with the double.

My Take: Okay, this doesn’t look anything like Melania. However, there are many other photos from the same event in which she looks back to her normal self. Plus, realistically, it seems absurd that a fake would be presented to foreign dignitaries who have met the real thing before. The only way it would happen is if there was no other choice.

She’s Baa-Aack: July, 2019

By summer, 2019 the Fake Melania theory really rocketed into the realm of “everybody’s talking about it, but no one wants to admit talking about it”.

That’s when the Trumps went to Brussels. July, 2019. Emerging from Air Force One, this photo was snapped of her in a new spy coat:

My Take: Oooh. This is NOT a good photo. Melania looks super puffy and weird. No doubt. But with the wind and angle, I think this is just a very unfortunate pic. The trench coat look also subliminally adds to the air of mystery.

Again, I’m not convinced. Listen, people, I do not trust the Trump family farther than I can throw Eric. But all we have so far are a collection of odd, unflattering photos. And even those who are rankled by the Fake Melania notion do not have an active thesis on why such a wide conspiracy would be perpetrated. This theory is unfinished, untested, and unreasonable. So far. But we’ll keep an eye on it.

Melania, the whole world is watching you. Good luck with that.