Katie Using Words

I’ve been a bit obsessed by the The Wars of the Roses lately. I look at it like a really, really old season of Scandal, just with much worse hygiene. But apparently I’m not alone in my fascination, because author George RR Martin has made no secret that his A Song of Ice and Fire series (aka Game of Thrones) is based loosely on The Wars of the Roses. Cool. The conflict was full of intrigue, murder, battles, and wine. No wonder an author decided that with a few name changes to protect the (not-so-) innocent, this would make a great set of novels.

Now, while the books/TV show that you and I know by heart is no allegory for the multi-decade conflict, there are a whole lot of parallels we can draw. So here is where I tear into the major characters like I am Henry VIII clawing apart a whole roasted chicken (I know, I know, the Tudors come later, but seriously, that man could really eat!).

The Lancasters Always Pay Their Debts

First, you need to understand that the (over-simplistic and somewhat misleading) gist of real-life The Wars of the Roses is that it is a tale of two families battling for the English throne. First, the Lancasters ruled. Then the Yorks. And back and forth, and a bit wiggly all around for a while. I am certain you have already spotted our first not-so-subtle connection between Martin’s works and history–the names.

Lancaster = Lannister  
York = Stark

Lancaster’s (alleged) red rose sigil = Lannister’s red lion sigil

York’s (alleged) white rose sigil = Stark’s white dire wolf sigil

Names aren’t the only foundational similarities laid out by the author. Even the map of Westeros loosely resembles the UK.

Maps and symbols are only an a pale sketch of how the real-life story comes alive on Martin’s pages, though. What matters in all good stories is the cast of characters. With a few twists and tweaks (and some better teeth), let us take a look at how GRR Martin drew from the well of fifteenth-century European history.

Richard II = Mad King Aerys (Aerys II)

Richard II

King Richard II is largely considered the first major victim of The Wars of the Roses (TWOTR). Young Richard had ruled the kingdom since he was only ten years old and by most accounts he had grown up to be a right little shit. His egocentric hobbies included building monuments to himself and surrounding himself with sycophants. After his wife, Anne of Bohemia, died, Richard started to become outwardly paranoid and began executing and banishing most of his rivals. This didn’t go over so well with his (recently banished) cousin, Henry Bolingbroke, who raised an army against him, and threw him in prison, where he shortly thereafter died–possibly murdered, possibly starved to death (accounts differ).

Mad King Aerys II

Aerys II also ascended to the throne via a largely non-disputed lineage. Good for him. But that didn’t help him much after his paranoia and general insanity caused him to start offing rivals, oh yeah, and playing with fire. As with Richard II, those who were close to him began distrusting the king’s actions and motives. Eventually Aerys II was overthrown in Robert’s Rebellion and died as a result. Of course, Aerys’s death was much swifter…and pointier. No prison for him.

There are, of course, many differences between the characters. Aerys’s affinity for kidnapping and pyrotechnics sets him apart from his historical doppelgänger. But ultimately, both lost the throne that rightfully belonged to them because they lost their grip on reality. And when that happens, there is always someone waiting in the wings to pluck the crown of the king’s head.

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King Henry IV = Robert Baratheon

Henry IV

Henry IV (Henry Bolingbroke, as-was) raised an army to overthrow his cuckoo king. His victory won him a crown. However, this set a dangerous precedent that family members could overthrow each other in order to mount the throne. His reign was marked by ongoing war with France (started by his grandpappy, Edward III), but otherwise was largely unremarkable. Henry IV lived to the age of 45, and died in his bed of still-undiagnosed mystery disease(s). The throne passed to his son, Henry V without incident.

Robert Baratheon, First of His Name

The primary tether between these two figures is their successful rebellions that to most historical perspectives seemed righteous given the foulness of their predecessors. Each then enjoyed brief reigns that were quiet and unsung. Plus, they both died in bed from bad luck and inadequate medical care (in Robert’s case, a boar mauling). Let us not forget a final, terrible link between the pair: The blood spilled to take the throne may have effectively been dye cast to paint the horrible and magnificent wars to follow. Thanks, Robert. Thanks, Henry. Your kingdoms owe you.

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Richard, Duke of York = Ned Stark

Richard Plantagenet, Duke of York (3rd Duke of York)

We now speed forward in Roses history to approximately 60 years to the rule of Henry IV‘s wackadoodle grandson, King Henry VI. At the royal court, Richard, Duke of York, by all accounts, was a loyal servant to his Lancaster king and worked tirelessly to protect the realm especially once King Nuttypants went into a a catatonic stupor at the age of 32. Once that happened, Richard was named Protector of the Realm. Score. Unfortunately this did not sit well with Mrs. Queen Nuttypants, Margaret of Anjou, who was fiercely protective of the 7 year-old shithead son, the prince, and had every interest in keeping her drooling husband on the throne and preserving the power for her spawn. Protector Richard was a threat to all of that. She was especially rattled that Richard had openly accused her of illegitimately conceiving the little prince, since…you know…King Nuttypants had been staring at his toes and drooling for many moons before the child’s conception. Funny notion, eh? It didn’t help his case when Henry eventually “awoke” and declared that the child was fathered by the Holy Ghost.

Displeased by Protector Richard’s accusations and powerful role in the kingdom, Margaret of Anjou had Richard dismissed from office (picture Ned slamming his Hand of the King pin down on the table). Former Protector Richard was riled by the thought of this Queen dismissing loyal servants in order to put her bastard on the throne and raised an army against her. Richard and the Yorks ultimately routed Margaret’s forces, capturing the throne for themselves. Sadly, Richard did not survive to see it. He died in battle, and his head was  placed on a spike atop the castle walls. His eldest surviving son would go on to become king in his place.

Eddard Stark

When you think of Ned Stark, you think loyalty. And maybe that sexy voice. No, stop it. We have to focus on history. Ned served his king, Robert Baratheon, loyally and worked tirelessly as Hand of the King to protect the realm from the unscrupulous servants who borrowed money for king’s tourneys and poisoned the last Hand of the King. While Robert Baratheon didn’t check out mentally, his analogous undoing was a combination of distracting whores and the boar that laid him low.

Ned and Protector Richard both had bigger problems than distracted and disabled kings. They both had a queen problem. And when Ned ran afoul of Cersei and her children, he ended up with his head on a spike atop the castle walls, just like Headless Richard. Both started a battle with the noblest of intentions, more or less, and both didn’t live to see the fruits of their efforts. Did I say “fruits”? I meant shitstorm. Neither lived to see the shitstorms they started.

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Margaret of Anjou  = Cersei Lannister

Margaret of Anjou

Margaret of Anjou’s tale almost perfectly parallels Cersei’s beginnings. She had a king husband who had checked out and she had a (probably illegitimate) son, Edward of Westminster, who was a real cruel shithead and had a very weak claim to the throne if pressed. Margaret ousted the king’s most loyal advisor in favor of putting…(maybe her baby daddy?)…Edmund Beaufort in the Protector seat of power. No incest involved. Probably. This blond queen was a cunning upstart who surprised a lot of men in her grab for power. Her tale ends in defeat and exile.

Cersei Lannister

Cersei is such a strong central figure that it’s hardly fair to compare her only to a single historical figure, especially as she evolves in later books/seasons. But her beginnings, at least, are very closely framed around the Margaret of Anjou story. Instead of Edmund Beaufort being her champion and baby daddy, she had her twin brother, Jaimie Lannister. Poor Baratheons and Lancasters. They never saw either of these ladies coming and lost it all to their fierceness, cunning, and love of their children. One wonders how Cersei’s story will end in the books (we ignore that ludicrous television ending).

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Edward of Westminster  =Joffrey Baratheon

Edward of Westminster

Edward of Westminster (aka Edward of Lancaster) was rumored to be a horrible little shit who loved violence and power. He was raised as the next in line to the throne after his (alleged) father, King Henry VI. He was well-indulged by his mother and took great delight in calling for executions, even for members of his advisors’ counsel. His mother, Margaret of Anjou, was not successful in putting him on the throne, despite her mighty and ferocious efforts. The little turd died on the battlefield at the age of 17, either in the course of battle, or captured and beheaded before the battle commenced. Or stabbed in front of the King. The point is, he died.

Joffrey Baratheon

It’s hard to imagine that even Prince Edward was as vicious as Joff was. The crossbow-wielding mama’s boy liked to use whores for target practice and hid from battle. Sadly for the citizens of Westeros, his aversion to the battlefield meant that he never had a chance to meet the same end as his doppelgänger, Edward. Instead, he sat the throne ever so briefly. With both boys, it is well-implied that had they been sensible and intelligent, they may have been allowed to have and keep their crowns and the ensuing wars may have never happened. But then we wouldn’t get to see the pigeon pie and that would be just a shame.

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King Edward IV & Elizabeth Woodville = Robb Stark & Jeyne Westerling / Talisa

King Edward IV and Elizabeth Woodville

Remember the poor ill-fated Richard, Duke of York (aka Ned Stark)? He ran afoul of the queen and ended up with his head on a spike? Well, I mentioned before that his York forces actually won the fray and claimed the throne. Since Headless Richard’s puss was rotting on a spike, his son became King Edward IV.

King Edward was (allegedly) a hunk-a eye candy who was naturally charismatic, talented in battle, and a decent monarch. But early on in his reign, he decided to marry a commoner in secret, and very much against the wishes of his advisors. His new bride, Elizabeth Woodville, had no international connections, nor a prominent family name. But she was pretty. And their match may have been genuinely romantic.

His marriage created such a division among his supporters that people started to plot against him–even his own brothers, perhaps right up until and still after the King’s death. King Edward IV died rather suddenly of (probably) pneumonia after he caught a cold on a fishing trip. He was only 41. History notes little about his illness, other than to remark how unexpected it was, so those of us with skeptical minds wonder if it was a mere illness, or something more devious that took him out, especially knowing how quickly opposing forces murdered his two boys after Eddie was laid to rest. Elizabeth Woodville mourned her dead husband and sons, but went on to live fairly comfortably under the rule of the successive kings.

Robb Stark and Talisa (Jeyne Westerling)

Robb Stark was another (arguably more) handsome young man who wasn’t groomed for the throne, but took up the mantle after his father died at the hands of a merciless blond queen and her psychotic son.

Robb may not have taken the Iron Throne proper, but declared himself king anyway. And much like his real-life counterpart, his advisors were quite tickled to wed him advantageously to secure the throne and stabilize his kingdom (as-was). But noooo, primping King Robb of the North couldn’t stand the thought of the poor Frey girls, so he got it on with…well, that depends. If you’re a book reader, he got it on with the woman who nursed him, Jeyne Westerling. If you’re a TV viewer, he got it on with war nurse Talisa. Whomever she is in your mind, Robb married Jeyne/Talisa in spite of her lack of political advantage or the ability to cross the Green Fork river at the Twins. But she was pretty, and their match was steamingly hot romantical.

This imprudent marriage caused some of his officers to plot against him and allowed the long arm of Cersei’s power to reach all the way to the Twins and have him executed. This was hardly the death-by-sniffles of King Edward IV, but a tragically young death nevertheless. Poor Talisa paid the ultimate, pointy price as well (and taking her son with her). But Martin’s Jeyne survives and lives a miserable, if comfortable existence in the shadow of the war victors.

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George, Duke of Clarence + Richard III = Theon Greyjoy

George, Duke of Clarence & Richard, Duke of Gloucester

George, Duke of Clarence was the younger brother of King Edward IV of the House of York (aka Robb Stark). And George was an up-jumping ass. He was never satisfied that his older brother got to have the crown and made repeated attempts to overthrow his brother, all of which failed. Most notably, sometime shortly after 1469, George ran off to join forces with Margaret of Anjou (aka Cersei Lannister) in hopes that his brother would be overthrown, and he could take the throne instead. Except that George was a dolt, and when he realized that none of his cohorts were actually going to give him the throne, he ran back to the king begging for forgiveness.

King Edward IV had so much sympathy and love for brother George that he continually let him off the hook. But finally, in 1478, Volatile George crossed the line for the last time by having a servant executed. King Edward was finally resigned to putting George to death, though he granted his beloved brother his choice of how he would die. George, always the fool, chose to be drowned in a butt of Malmsey wine. And so he went to his grapey death in the Tower of London.

Richard, Duke of Gloucester, was another brother of Edward IV and Wine-Soaked George. Richard was the youngest of the trio and he also had a taste for power. He kept quiet after the whole wine-drowning and kindly waited until his King brother died from many diseases before making a move for the throne. Even though King Eddie IV’s sons were next in line for the throne and the eldest was named King Edward V, Ricky was not having any of it. So he locked 12 year-old Edward V and his little brother, 9 year-old Richard, in a tower. Tragically, Eddie V and Little Richard were probably murdered during their imprisonment. Probably. But to this day, a great mystery surrounds their disappearance from the tower. Most believe that Uncle Richard had them offed. He then became King Richard III for a brief reign.

Theon Greyjoy

Theon was every bit a brother to Robb Stark, so it came as a horrible shock to King Robb (though no one else in the Stark family), when Theon decided to turn coat and join up with his father’s forces in the hopes of securing the Iron Islands for himself as prince…or king…or something. Theon never thought very far ahead. There were certainly points when King Robb would’ve have spared Theon out of brotherly affection, had he come back on his knees, just as George Duke of Clarence had a habit of doing. But we all know he ran out of chances after convincing the world that he had executed young Bran and Rickon Stark (in reality, two farm boys).

In the world of Westeros, the official story is that Theon executed the two boys next in line for the northern throne–even though some had their doubts. So what is G.R.R. Martin trying to imply? Maybe he sides with some historians’ theory that Richard III never really killed his boy nephews, but rather let them escape in secret while replacing them with ringers (who were murdered).

They all died as short-sighted fools. And speaking of fools, Sir Dontos and his near-death via wine bong was probably borrowed from George’s historical death.

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Henry Tudor = Daenerys Targaryen

Henry Tudor (King Henry VII)

Henry Tudor was the descendant of a long-ago King Edward III. Sort of. Kind of. A wee bit. Okay, his legitimacy was spotty. But at the time that Henry Tudor, a strong battle-tested warrior and wise ruler (by most accounts) started to reach for power, he was the Lancaster with the strongest claim to the throne. So it was around him that a number of Lancaster supporters flocked when they decided it was time to chuck King Edward IV…and then King Richard III (of House York), off the throne. He was the distant and unlikely power player that seemed to emerge just as he was needed most by his allies. He fought nobly and became King Henry VII. Okay, and maybe executed two little princes in a tower along the way and let Richard III take the blame. Hey, war means death. And when you play a game of thrones you win or…

Daenerys Targaryen

Daenerys “Stormborn” is the daughter of a sort-of-long-ago monarch, King Aerys II. Straight-up. No question, silver hair, love of fire, and all. And given that she is the only (known) remaining Targaryen heir left in the world, it is up to her to raise an army and chuck the Lannisters off the throne. She was the distant and unlikely power player that seemed to emerge just as she was needed most.

Her fate, though, diverged quite a bit from Henry’s. Daenarys had too much fire in her blood to start a new dynasty. Had GRR Martin mirrored her life closer to history, Dany’s fate could have imitated Henry VII, who married the daughter of a dead foe (sister of the boys in the tower–read: Bran & Rickon) in order to unite the kingdom and solidify power. So if we reverse the genders, subtract the one, and multiply the whole thing by aaah-ooo-gaa!, that means she should have married Jon Snow and made a bunch of babies to unite Westeros.

Of course, Henry lived within the realms of men. Long-ago England didn’t have to worry about White Walkers and The Children. And no dragons. And no Benioff and Weiss to utterly fuck it up because they are fascinated with superhero movies at the moment. Damn, the ending of the TV series was unbelievable bullshit. Maybe if the writers had cracked a few more history books, we all could’ve had a very interesting farewell to the show, and I could start writing about Dany’s son marrying six wives and getting fat at banquets. 

I never get my way. Someone get me my butt of Malmsey wine!